How to Talk to Children About Death

When talking to children about death, be honest. Create a relationship of trust by telling children the truth about the death in simple, concrete terms:

• Use the words “death” and “died” instead of euphemisms like “passed away” or “sleeping”. These euphemisms can often be misunderstood by children and create unnecessary fears or confusion. 
• Give brief, concrete information that the child can understand about why the body has stopped working.
  • “When a person dies, the body stops doing its job. The heart no longer beats, lungs do not breathe air and a person no longer feels, sees, smells, eats or thinks anymore.”
  • “Jack’s body was hurt very badly when he was in the accident. The doctors did everything they could to help his body, but his lungs were hurt too badly and they stopped working and he died.”

Often, children do not see death as permanent and will continue to ask about their loved one or talk about them in future tense. Create a short, clear statement that you can say every time they ask to help them begin to understand. 

• “Remember, John is not coming home because he died. He was very sick. The doctors could not make him better and his body stopped working.”

Encourage questions! Keep your answers simple and honest. It is okay to say “I don’t know” when you do not know the answer. You can ask back, “What do you think?” if children have questions about spiritual or abstract things that you do not have an answer for.

Be open about your feelings and allow them to see you grieve. When children see you express emotions it gives them permission to express theirs as well.  They take comfort in knowing that they are not alone in how they feel.

Allow children to talk about death and about the person who has died. Children may want to tell stories, look at pictures or share memories of that person. Be patient and wait until they are ready but remain available and open to listen. Allow them to engage in memory-making through journaling, drawing, photographs, etc. to maintain a connection with your child.