The death of a loved one, whether family member or friend, is a difficult experience at any age. Even young infants can feel a loss and will have a grief response.
Children may grieve differently than adults and will express their grief based on many different factors, such as their relationship with the loved one who has died, their previous experiences with death and their developmental understanding of death. It is important to talk to children about their feelings and help them understand what is happening around them.
View the links below for more information about children’s understanding of death at each age level and how to help:
Understanding of death:
Respond to caregivers’ emotions and changes in their environment.
Do not understand the meaning of death.
May respond to the separation from parent or caregiver by increased crankiness, crying or clinging.
How to help:
Keep baby’s routine as normal and consistent as possible.
Spend time holding/rocking/comforting the baby.
Allow friends and family to handle other tasks so that the primary caregiver can spend time with baby.
Age-appropriate resources:
The Goodbye Book, Parr, Todd, 2015.
Something Very Sad Happened: A Toddler’s Guide to Understanding Death, Zucker, B. 2016.
Understanding of death:
Often view death as temporary or reversible.
May confuse death with sleeping or being away with the expectation that the person will wake up or return.
Very egocentric and may believe that the death is a punishment for something that they thought or did.
May be afraid that the same thing will happen to them.
How to help:
Be honest and clear about the cause of death and facts surrounding the death. Give brief, concrete information that the child can understand about why the body has stopped working (i.e. “(Name’s) body was very hurt when she was in the accident. The doctors did everything they could to help her body, but her lungs were hurt too badly and they stopped working and she died.”)
Try to keep their routine as normal as possible.
Reassure them that they have people that love them and identify who will take care of them.
Remind them that the death was not their fault and was not caused by anything that they did/didn’t do or said/didn’t say.
Try to avoid using words like “passed away” or “moved on” as these can be confusing for a child. Though it can seem harsh, using the words “dead” or “dying” makes it more clear for the child.
Identify a short, simple statement that can be repeated over and over again to reinforce what happened and the finality of death. (i.e. “Remember, Jack is not coming home because he died. He was very sick and the doctors could not make him better and his body stopped working.”)
Age-appropriate resources:
The Goodbye Book, Parr, Todd, 2015.
I Miss You: A First Look At Death, Thomas, Pat, 2001.
We Were Gonna Have a Baby but We Had an Angel Instead, Schweibert, P., 2003.
When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death, Brown, Laurie Krasny, 1998. (**This book has some parts that are sensitive to certain situations. Parents may want to read ahead of time and choose pages that they feel are appropriate for their child.)
When Families Grieve, Sesame Street, 2010.
Understanding of death:
Begin to understand the irreversibility of death and that they could also die.
Can differentiate between living and non-living.
May begin to show interest in the biological aspects of death and the cultural events surrounding a death (i.e. funeral, wake, etc.)
How to help:
Be honest and clear about the cause of death and facts surrounding the death. Give brief, concrete information that the child can understand about why the body has stopped working (i.e. “(Name’s) body was very hurt when she was in the accident. The doctors did everything they could to help her body but her lungs were hurt too badly and they stopped working and she died.”)
Be open and prepared for children to ask lots of questions. It is okay to not have all of the answers and to say, “I don’t know” or “No, it isn’t fair that this happened”. It is also okay to just be present and provide comfort without saying anything.
Allow children to talk about death and about the person who has died. Children may want to tell stories, look at pictures or share memories of that person. Be patient and wait until they are ready but remain available and open to listen.
Try to keep their routine as normal as possible.
Reassure them that they have people that love them and identify who will take care of them.
Remind them that the death was not their fault and was not caused by anything that they did/didn’t do or said/didn’t say.
Try to avoid using words like “passed away” or “moved on” as these can be confusing for a child. Though it can seem harsh, using the words “dead” or “dying” makes it more clear for the child.
Encourage them to express any feelings they are having in a healthy way. Give permission to cry and validate their feelings whenever they come up.
Contact the school to let them know what is going on. The school may offer resources through the guidance counselor’s office, and it is important for teachers to be aware if they notice any different behaviors in the classroom.
Help children find a way to remember their loved one, especially on special occasions like birthdays and holidays.
Age-appropriate resources:
Ben’s Flying Flowers, Maier, I., 2012.
How I Feel: Grief Journal for Kids, Roldan, M. 2022.
I Miss You: A First Look At Death, Thomas, Pat, 2001.
The Memory Box: A Book About Grief, Rowland, J. 2017.
Sad Isn't Bad: A Good Grief Guidebook for Kids dealing With Loss, Mundy, Michaelene, 1998.
When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death, Brown, Laurie Krasny, 1998. (**This book has some parts that are sensitive to certain situations. Parents may want to read ahead of time and choose pages that they feel are appropriate for their child.)
When Someone Very Special Dies: Children Can Learn to Cope with Grief.
Understanding of death:
Beginning to think more like adults.
Able to comprehend not only the physical aspects of death, but also the emotional impact of the loss.
Thing more abstractly and can understand the implications of death.
Recognize that life is fragile.
How to help:
Be open and prepared for adolescents to ask questions. It is okay to not have all of the answers and to say, “I don’t know” or “No, it isn’t fair that this happened”. It is also okay to just be present and provide comfort without saying anything.
Allow them to talk about death and about the person who has died. They may want to tell stories, look at pictures or share memories of that person. Be patient and wait until they are ready, but remain available and open to listen.
Encourage them to express any feelings they are having in a healthy way. Give permission to cry and validate their feelings whenever they come up.
Contact the school to let them know what is going on. The school may offer resources through the guidance counselor’s office, and it is important for teachers to be aware if they notice any different behaviors in the classroom.
Help them find a way to remember their loved one, especially on special occasions like birthdays and holidays.
Age-appropriate resources:
Fire in my Heart, Ice in my Veins: A Journal for Teenagers Experiencing Loss, Traisman, E., 1992.
Grief in Color: A Journal with prompts, quotes and coloring pages to help you heal from grief, Black, R., 2022.
Grieving For the Sibling you Lost:A Teen’s Guide to coping with grief & finding meaning after loss, Hyatt, E.G., 2015.
